Tuesday, October 7, 2008

It's October already....

Wow, sometimes I just don't know where time went. I've been busy, but not THAT busy. For some reason the fact that it is OCTOBER already really snuck up on me. I'm struggling with a lot of things right now and it being October just makes that so much worse.

I'm trying really hard to get connected with people in real life and get things accomplished on a daily basis. My Mom was here over the weekend to watch the kids while I went to my Catechesis training on Saturday. She wanted to go home on Sunday, but we had a full day of activities to accomplish for the kids at church & I just couldn't find the energy to make the 3 hr round trip drive to take her home Sunday night. I spent most of my day on Monday taking her home, nothing else worthwhile got accomplished and I didn't even get a nap.

I'm fighting a depression right now and of course my Mom's answer was that I should talk to a Dr & get on an anti-depressant. I know prozak has saved my mother's life, but it is not for me. I have valid reasons to feel depressed and I need to be allowed to work through those things on my own terms. Going on medication is not going to help me have more money for utilities and groceries, it won't get our second car running & it won't magically get my laundry done or my dishwasher unloaded. Yes, I'm crying more than my mother is comfortable with, but crying is one of my only outlets for my frustration. I would LOVE to be able to stay in bed for days at a time like she did when I was a kid, but I don't have that luxury, my kids and hubby need me to cook for them, clean the house & transport them everywhere all day long. If I don't do these things, nobody else will & the whole family will suffer. If I get to the point that I am not able to meet my families daily needs, I will talk to a Dr, but for now, I am functioning just fine & she will have to accept that I do have emotions & do feel the need to cry when the frustration is overwhelming.

Our Rector talked about how tough the economy is now, in Church on Sunday and about how those who were having a rough time needed to speak up & allow the church to help them. I am one of those people who is having a very rough time, but I'm not ready to admit defeat and ask for help yet. What he was saying hit home so hard for me that I had to leave the service and miss the sermon to get my emotions under control. I truly feel invisible most days in regard to how tough things are financially. I am sure that nobody who knows Hubby or I would ever consider that we may be struggling. All I can do at this point is keep praying and hope that next month will be better.

1 comment:

Kirsty said...

Hugs Denise. I am sure people would not know we were struggling if I was not so vocal about it. I think it is a widespread phenomenon, there are plenty of people I'm sure you think are just dandy in your same boat. Not that it helps your situation but you are not alone. I am so sorry you are depressed. Hugs, praying that things get better very soon.