I'm feeling very cranky about money today

we are currently renting a house that barely meets our needs. There is not enough space for all our "stuff" & I'm not one of those people who enjoy parting with their stuff. The two car garage has no room for cars & I'm feeling totally unmotivated to even attempt to organize let alone purge anything.

Back to the money thing. When you apply for a mortgage they tell you that you can't spend more than 30% of your income on housing, now I realize this is GROSS income, but even so, 30% really doesn't seem like much. We currently pay 54% of the money we actually see each month just for the rent. Utilities account for at least another 25% which leaves us with about 20% for everything else including food & gas for our only running vehicle.

Our lease is up in December & we may have to move again....I'm not sure how we would manage a new security deposit & the expenses of moving, but I've started praying NOW that if we are going to move again it will be to a place that better meets our needs & is more affordable. We somehow managed to only move twice the whole time our oldest was in school, but we have now moved more in the last 4 yrs than we did in the previous 15 yrs.

Have I ever told you that I HATE moving?

I HATE school fundraisers

My oldest daughter came home all upset today because I hadn't purchased anything in her recent school fundraiser. Her classmates who did sell things received their trinkets today & she was beside herself because she didn't receive them too. I know the school feels it needs more money than it receives in the budget, but making kids sell "junk" to make up for that short fall just seems soooo WRONG to me.

In years past, I have bought at least one thing from each child in the house who is selling something for school, but this year the money is too tight & we really didn't need a coupon book packed with coupons for places we can not afford to go. The schools pitch is that for the $10 paid for the book you will receive $1600 worth of coupons. The problem for me is to receive these "offers" you invariably have to buy something...something that I have eliminated from our budget due to necessity. Try explaining that one to an 8 yr old.

Handy Mommy...

My 3 yr old occasionally watches Handy Manny on Disney channel, it is not one of my favorite shows and I try to avoid it. Yesterday, I got to be Handy Mommy.

The kids computer has been on the fritz for at least a week. Since mine died last month, that left us with only one computer in the house that could connect to the internet & that is not a pretty picture in a house full of internet addicts. Last night after dinner, I ran a diagnostic on the wireless connection & suddenly got a connection. Yay!!! But within 3 minutes the connection was lost & rerunning the diagnostic did nothing to get it back. I sent one of the kids to find an ethernet cable and started trying to figure out how we would get the DSL modem close enough to the computer to use the cable. Then I had a brainstorm....maybe the antenna on the wireless card really was the problem. (one of the babies had pulled the cover off it last week just before we lost internet). We have boxes of old computer junk in our garage, so I went looking for a compatible antenna. First I tried the router, two antennas, but they don't come off. Next, I found an old DSL modem in the garage & while the antenna was shorter, the connection was compatible & it WORKED!!!!

Later, when the kids were getting ready for bed I told the 10 yr old to help the 3 yr old get her teeth brushed. He started screaming for me to come into the bathroom. It seems the 3 yr old had forced her toothbrush down the drain. She is obsessed with brushing her teeth & was very upset that we couldn't get it for her. I sent them all to bed & after they were asleep, I got a wire coat hanger to see if I could fish it out. No luck. Hubby was sure we were going to need a plumber. We can't afford a plumber, so I unscrewed the pipe & out popped 2 toothbrushes. The pipe is pvc, so I just put it back on & screwed the pieces together. I ran the water for a couple minutes & was very pleased that it didn't leak. The toothbrushes went in the outside garbage & the 3 yr old will have to wait until Friday to get a new toothbrush, she's devastated....hopefully she won't put anything else down the drain.

It's October already....

Wow, sometimes I just don't know where time went. I've been busy, but not THAT busy. For some reason the fact that it is OCTOBER already really snuck up on me. I'm struggling with a lot of things right now and it being October just makes that so much worse.

I'm trying really hard to get connected with people in real life and get things accomplished on a daily basis. My Mom was here over the weekend to watch the kids while I went to my Catechesis training on Saturday. She wanted to go home on Sunday, but we had a full day of activities to accomplish for the kids at church & I just couldn't find the energy to make the 3 hr round trip drive to take her home Sunday night. I spent most of my day on Monday taking her home, nothing else worthwhile got accomplished and I didn't even get a nap.

I'm fighting a depression right now and of course my Mom's answer was that I should talk to a Dr & get on an anti-depressant. I know prozak has saved my mother's life, but it is not for me. I have valid reasons to feel depressed and I need to be allowed to work through those things on my own terms. Going on medication is not going to help me have more money for utilities and groceries, it won't get our second car running & it won't magically get my laundry done or my dishwasher unloaded. Yes, I'm crying more than my mother is comfortable with, but crying is one of my only outlets for my frustration. I would LOVE to be able to stay in bed for days at a time like she did when I was a kid, but I don't have that luxury, my kids and hubby need me to cook for them, clean the house & transport them everywhere all day long. If I don't do these things, nobody else will & the whole family will suffer. If I get to the point that I am not able to meet my families daily needs, I will talk to a Dr, but for now, I am functioning just fine & she will have to accept that I do have emotions & do feel the need to cry when the frustration is overwhelming.

Our Rector talked about how tough the economy is now, in Church on Sunday and about how those who were having a rough time needed to speak up & allow the church to help them. I am one of those people who is having a very rough time, but I'm not ready to admit defeat and ask for help yet. What he was saying hit home so hard for me that I had to leave the service and miss the sermon to get my emotions under control. I truly feel invisible most days in regard to how tough things are financially. I am sure that nobody who knows Hubby or I would ever consider that we may be struggling. All I can do at this point is keep praying and hope that next month will be better.

I'm having fun with this.....

I've started a food blog. Anytime I ask Hubby what he would like to eat, he says "food". So that is what I titled my blog. I had thought about writing down family recipes for a while & just never seem to get around to it. But now, I have this new project/hobby. Not only am I writing down the recipes I have stored in my brain, but I am also saving them somewhere that I can tell people to visit when they ask me "can I get this recipe?" I haven't been very good about sharing my recipes with people, not because I like to be secretive, but mostly because I don't tend to use written recipes for most stuff. I have had quite a few people compliment me on the things I make & have even won several church chili cookoffs with my Chili Verde. I'm going to be contributing to the Lots of Kids Large Family Cooking blog too, that should be fun.


Hubby tried to talk me into making an actual cookbook at one point, but I've worked on several of those as fundraisers for various kid projects in the past & although it was fun to compile all the recipes it was also a HUGE pain & never seemed to generate the revenue enough revenue to justify all the work it took.

I'm also enjoying all the different challenge themes. I discovered a new one today, it is Tackle it Tuesday. I don't have anything to post for it this week, but I joined the CLR challenge they have coming up & I'm hoping to tackle rearranging my bedroom in time to post it next Tuesday.
I need to get one of our digital cameras reliably working and remember to charge the batteries.....I LOVE to take pictures & everytime I write something I think about how great it would be to post a picture with it, but saddly it seems that lately I never seem to have the pictures I want when I need them.

I'm still alive!!!

Wow, it's been a while since I've had time to write anything. I started out really well that first week, but as usually happens in my life, things got busy & I just didn't find the time.

So, what have I been up to? Well, Baby Daughter was sick with a cold & since she is such an adorable (& spoiled) kid, everyone else had to take their turn in sharing her cold. Hubby went back to work on Friday, not quite 100%, but definitely better. Nobody else missed any work or school, they just suffered through it.

Our 11 yr old vacuum died & I bought a new one. We are all really impressed by how much they have changed over the years. I'm not sure I'm going to like it not having a bag, but that does cut out the excuse of not being able to vacuum because we are out of bags. It has several cool features, there is an on-board self cleaning duster, it has a special tool for getting pet hair off the stairs & the furniture & as you can see it is very bright & cheery!!! It was very reasonably priced and in stock at my local WalMart. I don't think I could buy something like a vacuum without seeing it in person. The absolute BEST thing about it is that the kids all think it is cool & have been fighting over who gets to use it first. A friend told me that it is a sign I am getting old that I'm so excited about an appliance. Well, if that is true, I have been OLD for a while. I have a thing for appliances.

I've come up with my plan for this years Christmas presents & am feeling relieved to not have to stress about it anymore. I've even bought a few things already which is HUGE for me, I don't usually start until a week or two before Christmas & then make myself nuts buying everything & getting it wrapped.

There are several things that I've been wanting to write about, hopefully with Hubby back at work this coming week I will find the time to actually do it!

Forgiveness...

Over the last several days I've been thinking a lot about Forgiveness. On Sunday, the sermon at church revolved around it. We had the bible story about how we should not just forgive 7 times, but 77 times or 7 times 70 times (some number that is supposed to mean an infinite number of times was the interpretation). The new priest at our church has a 2 yr old & a 3 yr old & he told about how he & his wife have taught their daughters to always say they are sorry when they hurt each other & to forgive when someone hurts them & says sorry. This was something that really struck me.

Since moving to the South, I have discovered that people here say "sorry" or some other form of apology for just about everything they do. Really, I get soooo tired of having people tell me they are sorry all the time for things that didn't bother me in the first place. I guess it is one of those things that comes from them having been raised to be polite. I was not raised that way & I'm sure it is obvious way too often that I am a RUDE "not from around here" kind of person. I do not apologize for opening doors for others, I do not apologize for taking more than 2 rings to answer the phone at my own home, I do not apologize to the cashiers at the grocery for not bringing in my own cloth bags....there are tons of things I encounter others apologizing for on a daily basis & I often find myself feeling hostile to the chronic apologizers. My youngest son is a chronic apologizer, he also says "Hi, how are you?" everytime he sees you, even if it has only been 5 minutes since the last time he walked past you in the kitchen. I find myself telling him that either he has no REASON to be sorry, or (when there really is a reason & it is the multiple time today that he has done the very same thing & apologized for it) that he needs to STOP doing whatever it is...apologizing is not enough. But I can do this because he is my child, with other people who continually do the same annoying things & apologize only to do it AGAIN, I seem to have no recourse other than to stop being around them. Now, back on track, I find that maybe I am the one who isn't learning the lesson....maybe all the apologizing around me has been targeted at getting me to learn to offer forgiveness.

After the church service on Sunday, I heard several profound stories of forgiveness. The first was about a local pyscologist who's mother was murdered. He later wrote a book about how he forgave the person who killed his mother & how by forgiving him he was able to move forward in his own life. Everyone listening was touched by the story & I heard several mumblings of "I don't know if I could do that".....I think being able to forgive no matter how BIG the wrong is, really is what being a Christian is about. In July, my Oldest son overslept & didn't go to a performance a friend invited him to at his church.....the friend's father was killed when a gunman opened fire during that performance. The members of that church are still struggling with their losses, but many have found it in their hearts to forgive that man and have publicly opposed him facing the death penalty. My son has not reached a point of being able to forgive, but looking back I'm not sure forgiveness was ever one of the things Hubby or I taught our kids.

My friend Stacey who passed away on Friday had many unjust things done to her by people who she trusted. She often came to her friends with tales of the latest injustice & we were always outraged for her, often it seemed even more outraged than she was herself and while we (her friends) have held tightly to these grudges & have talked amongst ourselves about how much we would like the people who wronged her to face some ultimate karmic justice, Stacey found it in her huge heart to forgive them all. She is at peace now and the care of her children is entrusted to people who made choices that hurt Stacey, but hopefully those same people will be influenced for the good by having known and been loved by someone so caring & giving. I am searching my own soul today looking for a way to truly Forgive the injustices done to my friend & I feel like when I find the power within myself to offer that forgiveness I will truly be a better person. Thank you, Stacey!